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I was like you, once. I was approaching my 18th birthday, I had just just graduated high school, and I was on the cusp of adulthood. Soon, I would move on to college and reign over my peers as a god among men. Wrong. Nothing prepares you for the shock of entering college (a real one, not that DeVry Technical Institute bullshit). You go from being the coolest kid in your tiny high school to just another physically underdeveloped, over-idealistic brat who’s bound to get date raped at a frat party during your first week. Luckily, you an be more prepared for the challenges that lie ahead. You don’t have to get pepper-sprayed at the Alpha Iota Delta Sorority house like I did. You don’t have to vomit uncontrollably because you didn’t know how much you drank. With my 4 years of college experience, I can give you tips that I wish I had back when I was a frosh. Take them to heart, younglings. My advice is as sweet and satisfying as shitting with the bathroom door open because you’re home alone.

1. Make a shiv and stab someone during your first day in the dorms. A lot of incoming freshmen don’t realize that many prison rules apply to dorm life as well. Although you may not want to stab someone on your first day at your new school, it’s important to establish dominance early on. By shivving someone on your floor, people will always be quiet as they walk by, and they’ll be respectful of your personal belongings. Also, don’t forget that snitches get stitches.
2. Don’t ask what someone’s major is as a way of starting a conversation. This is a rookie mistake, and one that I made constantly my first year. It seems like a great icebreaker, but it’s been done to death. People don’t want to keep repeating their major at parties, even if they’re really into their chosen field of bullshit. Instead, use more inventive openers when you see an attractive person at a party. My favorites include, “Are you on the pill? I can’t afford any more kids,” “You’re so beautiful, I’d tolerate you even if you listened to Fergie,” and “What’s your minor?”
3. Don’t wear a shirt that just says “COLLEGE” on it. I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, I’m going to college! I’ve also seen Animal House! I want people to perceive me as a funny guy who’s in tune with pop culture, so I think I’ll wear the shirt from the movie!” Stop it. Everyone thinks that. It isn’t original or funny. Speaking of which, you’re an adult now, so do me a favor and try to ween yourself off of Ugg Boots, sweat pants, and boot-cut jeans. You’ll thank me later.
   
4. Always have unprotected sex. If your entire knowledge of sexual intercourse came from junior high health class, you probably always use a condom when it’s time to mash genitals together. Sure, this might prevent you from getting a cool case of chlamydia, but it’s just going to feel terrible. It just makes more sense to leave your sword unsheathed. It feels better, and everyone in college is so drunk that they probably won’t even consider the consequences until long after you’ve left her room in the middle of the night because you can’t stand cuddling.
5. Last but not least, study abroad. Studying abroad can be a very worthwhile experience. By visiting another country, you’ll experience art, music, and other types of culture that you’d never be aware of if you kept yourself contained in the states. Plus, if you ever have violent desires, Europe is the place to live out your most horrifying fantasies. Did you ever see “Hostel”? It was about a European torture club. What about “Taken”? That movie revolves around an international sex trafficking ring. You just can’t do that sort of thing around here because our police officers carry guns. Go to Europe, get your murderous rage out of your system, and then come back to America as a well-balanced mature adult.

If you take my advice to heart, you should be top dog in your school in no time. Also, you might be wanted by INTERPOL, but that’s neither here nor there. Best of luck to you in your coming years, and congratulations on graduating high school.