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It’s been roughly two months since my last post, and although part of me feels I shouldn’t point this giant gap out, another part of me wants you to know that I’m going out of my way to provide you with my opinions on the eve of this holiday. So, here’s my opinion that none of you asked for, but I’m going to shove down your throats anyways. We are but two hours away from 420, the weed-smoking holiday. And, though I’m usually content leaving the stoners to blaze all day, I do feel a certain undefinable desire to express my thoughts about the holiday and stoners in general.

In case you’re losing the will to read any longer, here’s the short version: I don’t particularly like stoners. Okay, now for the (slightly) longer version: As far as I can tell, based on my experiences in my 21 years of existence, there are essentially two types of stoners. The first type is the stereotypical “lazy” stoner. You know the type. They’re the ones the government rallies against in their shitty “Don’t Smoke” television spots. I can generalize the characteristics of this wide group of people, so I’m going to.

I hate you so much.

They’re the kind of people who come into a restaurant blazed at 9 pm and incoherently mumble their order, all while not realizing how repulsive it is to walk around in public while reeking of smoke (I’ve worked in enough restaurants to know this for a fact). Their idea of a good time is lighting one up. That’s it. That’s not a goddamned activity. For the record, I hate when people just hang out and drink, too. It has to be a sign of dependancy. It’s boring as hell. They’re the kind of people responsible for /r/trees, a subforum so stupid, you’re guaranteed to lose brain cells just reading some of the posts. These are the people who validate the idea of “stoner comedy”. Guess what: If something is only funny if you’re under the influence of a mind-altering substance, it isn’t fucking funny. Finally, these stoners always fuck up my order at Taco Bell. It’s a fucking gordita—The soft shell and hard shell are supposed to be lined up, not 69-ing.

However, whereas my distaste for lazy stoners is no stronger than a mild loathing, I truly can’t stand the second type of stoners. I call them righteous stoners. I should be able to discuss them for a paragraph or so before my contempt becomes too great and I’m forced to turn off my computer before I throw it at a young child. Righteous stoners disgust me because they think marijuana is the cure to all of society’s woes. I admit that I think marijuana should be legalized and that it serves some legitimate medicinal uses, but that’s it. If you’re not in pain from cancer treatment, you don’t need to smoke weed any more than you need to get drunk. In fact, I wish we’d legalize pot just so these indignant hippies could shut the fuck up and focus on issues that, I don’t know, actually fucking matter. I’m reminded of a quote from American Psycho:

We have to… slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.

Any of these issues still needs solving today, and they’re way more important than legalizing your feel-good plant. Innocent people all around us are starving to death, being killed in unnecessary wars, and living in the streets. And you decide to pick up marijuana legalization as your hot-button issue? Fuck you. You just want to retain your ability to self-medicate without the fear of getting in trouble with Johnny Law. It sickens me whenever I see someone on the internet admit to being depressed, and some righteous stoner suggests smoking weed to cure the condition. That’s masking the problem, not treating it, you doucheface. Therapy, exercise, 2nd-generation antidepressants… any of those would be legitimate suggestions. Lighting a blunt is not. This whole “stoner culture” and call for legalization is a fucking farce.

To be fair, I think it’s possible to smoke cannabis and not fall into one of the above categories. Unfortunately, if you’re “celebrating” 420, then I’m afraid you’re already doomed.