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Stanley Hudson

If you’re an avid follower of my blog and/ or a member of my cult, you’ll know that Stanley was truly the first black person to ever be featured on these hallowed web pages. Why do I love Stanley so much? He’s the most hardworking and serious sales associate in Dunder-Mifflin, and I think it’s a miracle that he hasn’t gone on a shooting spree in the office. He’s managed to put up with those wretched people more years than I can count. I KNOW! Let’s go through all of them and list why they’re incompetent wastes of meat:

• Michael: Perhaps the worst boss in all of history. You know how you can tell you’re in a shitty minimum-wage suckfest of a job because the management can’t even take itself seriously, and they try to be “pals” with lower-level employees? That’s kind of what Michael does. That, and suck at finding women who are sexually interested in him.
• Pam: First, she was annoying because she was engaged to an asshole. Then, she was annoying because after fighting for a sales associate position at Dunder-Mifflin, it turned out she was pretty shitty at the job. Now, she sucks because the writers have totally removed her personality. She just sits around and goes, “Oh Jim, you and your hijinks! I have a kid! Blah blah blah.”
• Jim: What a smug asshole. We get it: You’d totally be capable of working a better job if you weren’t so damned unmotivated. Instead, you’ve chosen a life of banging the secretary and selling paper. Let’s give this guy a round of applause!
• Dwight: If I had to work with Dwight, I’d probably have firebombed his car by now. Everything he does just pisses people off, and he’s so rile with Aspergers, he can’t even realize it.
• Andy: The guy punched a hole though the wall. Stanley is just trying to sell some paper, and he has to deal with this kind of juvenile bullshit? If Stanley wasn’t such a proud black man, he probably would have put Andy in a permanent sleeper hold.
• Phyllis: Honestly, I don’t even notice her most of the time.
• Angela: Isn’t there a point in people’s lives when they become tired of being mad all the time? Angela is the kind of lady who would order drive-through at McDonalds, get home, and drive back to exchange it because it had “too much lettuce”. Loosen the hell up already.
• Kevin: Borderline retarded. This is an office, not a mental ward.
• Oscar: Surprisingly level-headed, and he even managed to get a nice settlement from Dunder-Mifflin on account of Michael’s blatant stupidity.
• Meredith: Stanley has better things to do than deal with a middle-aged pervert, that’s for sure. Instead of listening to Meredith talk about weird sex acts, he could be reading the New York Times, or donating to the NAACP.
• Kelly: This lady has every negative trait known to mankind. Even if she wasn’t Indian, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with her.
• Creed: Creed is basically the coolest motherfucker ever, but I can see how working with him could become a chore. 
• Ryan: “Hey guys, I’m going to start out as a lazy intern. Then, I’m going to nearly run the company into the ground. Now, I’m going to be the world’s most ineffective sales associate in the world!” Actually, that’s not entirely true. I was pretty lazy and ineffective back when I worked at Express. In my defense, they sell imitation Ed Hardy bullshit like this, so I was ashamed to even come into work most days.

I don’t know why I keep watching The Office. It should have dies years ago, right around when Jim and Pam got together and all of that romantic tension was lost. And with Steve Carell on his way out to pursue his mediocre film career, do we really need to go on? Can we just give this show a proper burial and move on to the next big show? Please? NBC, why aren’t you listening to me?