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Black Spiderman

First, some facts from Wikipedia:

“From 1984 to 1988, Spider-Man wore a different costume than his original. Black with a white spider design, this new costume originated in the Marvel Super-Heroes Secret Wars limited series…. Parker comes across a machine that conjures him a uniform that responds to his thoughts, greatly enhances his powers, provides him with its own supply of web-fluid, and can change its appearance at his command. Sometime after his return to Earth, however, he discovers in issue #258 (Nov. 1984) that the costume is actually an alien symbiote bent on permanently bonding with its host.”

Ok, so maybe I’m cheating. Black Spiderman isn’t technically black, but he is the blackest possible version of Spiderman. Think about it: His physical abilities are enhanced over plain-vanilla Spiderman, he’s way darker, and later on we find that he has a great propensity for committing crimes. That was a cheap shot, but not nearly as bad as what Sam Raimi did to rape the symbiote story line in “Spiderman 3”.

The story arc revolving around Peter’s discovery of the black suit and the eventual creation of Venom should have been its own movie. Instead, Raimi decided to focus more on Sandman, whose superpower was becoming sand. What the fuck kind of superpower is that? Oh, but don’t worry guys, he’s a criminal with a conscience. He’s only committing crimes because his daughter is dying of an illness and he needs to be able to pay for the treatment! He should have tried my treatment: Taking the girl out behind the house and pulling an “Old Yeller” style mercy killing on her. It would have saved movie-goers a lot of time and patience, because I can honestly say that “Spiderman 3” was one of the most disappointing movies of 2007. Peter Parker becomes emo, Eddie Brock is played by 95-pound pussy Topher Grace, and they decided to scar James Franco’s beautifully sculpted face. That man is a modern-day James Dean, YOU DO NOT TOUCH HIS FACE. Actually, from what I’ve heard, Franco likes doing blow. Do you think James Dean did blow? Probably not. He was probably too busy blowing Rock Hudson. God Almighty, my puns keep getting worse.