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When I returned to my car after class today, I noticed that somebody had left a piece of paper underneath my windshield wiper. Concerned that the Brockport Parking Gestapo had ticketed me for some bullshit reason, I hastily read the letter, which I have posted below (note: I have fixed the spelling and punctuation). I would like to take an opportunity to respond to this letter as well. The letter says:

“Thanks for parking like a douche bag. I’m so glad we have people like you who don’t know how to park in the yellow lines, which screws everyone else over. You don’t care though, so why should you care if they hit or scratch your car? Just a thought, numb nuts.”

To the letter-giver,

Thank you for calling this to my attention. Boy, do I feel like a fool! Although you’ll probably never read this, I would like to formally apologize to you. I would also like to take this time to explain myself, as I can assure you I wasn’t actively trying to be a “douche bag”.

I arrived in the parking lot around 9:20 AM, and much of the parking lot was still empty. It was a scene not unlike a “Mad Max” movie, assuming the movie was set in the frigid arctic and everyone drove Chevrolet Cobalts. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the ground is covered in slush. This slush was obscuring the yellow lines when I went to park. Also, the car that was already next to the space I parked in was crooked, and I wanted to make sure we both had room to get in and out of our vehicles. This is why I was over the yellow line by about a foot. Believe me when I say that I have never done such a thing intentionally. If it helps you feel better, I was only in the space for three hours, so there’s plenty of time for others to enjoy the newly freed spots. I hope we can put this whole mess behind us.

Sincerely,
Mike

P.S.: Go fuck yourself, you passive-aggressive bitch.