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Herman Cain has dropped out of the 2012 presidential race, probably due to the fact that he was a joke of a candidate who made creepy rape faces in his ads. Now, I’ve been told that Newt Gingrich is the new Republican frontrunner in a race that involves a robot and a senile old creationist. Whoever wins the Republican bid will undoubtedly run against Obama. You know, the man who pledged who stop torture, abide by the Geneva Conventions, and roll back NSA wiretapping programs, then did none of those?

Well, it got me thinking: I should run for president. I mean, I’m not old enough and America would never elect an atheist, but I could still do a better job than these liars and hypocrites. My platform would emphasize strict fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. I have a plan to save the government $1.2 trillion by the year 2025. I almost have a college degree from a real college. My qualifications are astounding. I also have some fresh proposals that would really help put this nation back on track: 

• Every chain restaurant within a 15 mile radius of the White House will be converted to a Hooters so I don’t have to drive far to have delicious chicken wings served by scantily clad women.
• As a reward to our most prosperous citizens for putting money back into the economy, everyone in the top tax bracket will receive a free Lexus RX sport utility vehicle during their “December to Remember” sales event. These SUVs will be paid for by the taxes of lower wage earners. This gives poor people something to aspire to.
  
  
• My birthday, September 7th, will become a national holiday. Macy’s will hold a parade in NYC where every float is of me in different positions and outfits.
• In lieu of universal health care, American citizens will receive one bottle of aspirin a year and a doctor’s note that says, “Deal with it.”
• Our national anthem will now be “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO.

As you can see, if I became president, I wouldn’t just be smearing some Olay anti-aging serum on old Lady Liberty’s face. I would give her a face lift, inject collagen into her ass, and get her into the 21st century. Thank you, and Xenu bless America.