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I’ve never seen the film The Bucket List. As far as I’m concerned, Rob Reiner hasn’t directed a movie worth watching since 1989, and I had no interest in paying $10 to see two old men share the joys of erectile dysfunction and shooting their careers in the foot by acting in such schmaltzy crap. However, the core idea of the movie (the “bucket list,” if you will) is a pretty great idea. Our time on this Earth is limited, and making a list of things to do before we die is a great way to expand your horizons. This is where I come in.

In the movie, I’ve been told that the stars of the film climb the Pyramids, drive a Shelby Mustang, and fly over the North Pole. If you’re a minimum wage bitch like me or just one of our nation’s many unemployed, you’ll probably never be able to afford to do any of these things. Save that shit for the 1%. Instead, join me in a trend I just started: The Sexual Bucket List.

Like this, but with more sex.

I’m not the first person to come up with this idea, but there’s a difference between whoring it up with a T.A. (fun sidebar: I know a girl who married her T.A.. I wonder if she got an ‘A’ in his class) and making a list that’s all about your craziest fantasies. The point of such a list is not to come up with situations you’ll be able to brag about later. It’s about doing things you never thought you’d do… until you thought of them for this list. For example, here are some items for my list:

• Have a FFM threesome. Having a female-female-male threesome (or a “Mike sandwich” as I like to call it) is basically the most decadent sexual act possible. I mean, there’s literally more vagina than I could fill at once. It’s like ordering a large drink from Wendy’s even though you know you’re only thirsty enough for a medium.
• Bang a coworker. They say it’s not smart to “shit where you eat,” but I say as long as you wash your hands thoroughly, you probably won’t get diarrhea.
• Live through Season 2 Episode 14 of The Flintstones. In the episode “Fred Strikes Out,” Fred has to be in two places at once: A bowling tournament and a date with his wife. Both of those sound boring as Hell, but I like the idea of living a double life. I want to be in a relationship with two women at once, mostly just to see if I can pull it off. It’s like the best con ever, and if one of them leaves me, I’ll always have another lady to fall back on. Now that’s smart.
• Damn Dirty Apes. Depending on your vantage point, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool reflects either the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, or the sky. Wouldn’t it be crazy if two people dressed as apes from Planet of the Apes started doing it right in the middle of that pool? With an audio clip of Charlton Heston yelling in the background? That would spice up any 8th grade field trip.
• Occupy Wall Street. The Occupy Wall Street movement is the kind of movement any rational citizen wants to support, until they realize that participation would involve sleeping in a tent next to thousands of unwashed hippies. But, if I know gross hippies (and I like to pretend that I do), it’s that they’re all about free love and the spread of chlamydia. My plan is simple: Start an orgy among the members of the OWS movement. I wouldn’t join in, but I’d be the ringleader. Imagine it: Thousands of sweaty, writhing bodies in the middle of NYC. Police throwing tear gas grenades into the crowds. Complete chaos. And I’d be above it all, laughing maniacally.

Now you’re getting it.

As you can see, your Sexual Bucket List is nothing to be proud of. Quite the contrary. It should be a long, disturbing list which plunges into the darkest fathoms of your psyche. Once you’ve completed every item on your list, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. You’ll also probably need therapy. Or at least an HIV test.