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Very few people know this, but I’ve recently re-entered the world of working in retail. Now, I don’t want to say where exactly it is that I’m working, but I will say this: I bet William H. Macy loves shopping there! Get it? I’m talking about Macy’s. I can’t believe I had to explain that to you. I haven’t disclosed this information with many people because, the way I see it, a job is a job. Not a lot of interesting stuff happens there, so there’s no need for me to constantly discuss my work. I work in the menswear department. I help guys pick out shirts. It’s pretty simple when you read as much GQ as I do. 

I’ve worked in retail before (at Express, which was my personal hell), and while theft was occasionally a problem, I’d never seen it on the scale that I witnessed at Macy’s last week. I was on my dinner break, and I decided to fill my hour by eating a delicious 6” Subway sub (not a foot-long because I’m not a glutton) in the food court and texting people that are ultimately unimportant. Unfortunately, I hate being around large, loud crowds, so after I finished my sub, I decided to go out to my car and listen to some music, because you don’t buy a bitchin’ stereo for you car and not use it every chance you get.

With about five minutes left in my break, I heard a man in the parking lot yell “Hey!” I looked out to see a tall man running down the parking lot. This on its own wasn’t particularly odd, but the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants made me raise an eyebrow. As he ran away, I got out of my car to find out what happened. I saw three mall security trucks driving out of the mall, and one of our security guys was leaving on his motorcycle like a total bad ass. I looked out to an empty parking space where a woman who worked with me was collecting a pile of Izod sweaters and Levi jeans. As I helped her fold the clothes, I was called inside the store and my coworkers explained what happened while I was “eating fresh.”

Time to Tarantino this shit: While I was on break, there were only two other guys working in the department, and they were understandably occupied with customers. Apparently, two men walked inside the store, grabbed $2000 worth of merchandise, and then dashed outside where a third person was waiting in a getaway car. I don’t know what happened to make them drop the clothes, but the guys tried getting into the car and driving off. Hilariously, only one guy successfully made it into the car. The other one fell out and lost his pants in the process. I then saw him run down the parking lot. He was caught (I’m not sure about the other two).

I’ve thought about this incident for about a week now, and I’ve reached two conclusions. The first is about a serious as I’m capable of being. All three of the guys were black. Now, I know I’m not black, but I’m hispanic, and we’re not exactly loved by white America at the moment, so it really pisses me off when members of any minority are so blatantly breaking the law. I know that people will do whatever is necessary to survive, but while I can sympathize with  someone stealing food to feed their family, it’s a lot harder for me to feel the same for guys stealing sweaters and jeans. That brings me to my next point: Why Izod and Levi clothing? I love Levis, but they’re roughly $40 each, as are the Izod sweaters. $2000 worth of those makes for a really big pile. Why not just go for the Ralph Lauren? Those guys could have been the best-dressed inmates in county lockup, and they missed that opportunity.