May 2012
1 post
4 tags
April 2012
5 posts
6 tags
Review of Knockaround Sunglasses
There’s been considerable buzz surrounding Knockarounds, the sunglasses start-up, ever since its inception in 2005. Their glasses are known for being inexpensive ($8 - $34) and coming in a multitude of colors. I’ve had an aversion to buying expensive sunglasses ever since I fell off my bicycle as a kid and scratched up a pair of Oakleys I received as a Christmas gift. I searched for...
Kentucky Fried Bullshit
I don’t typically complain about my college experience. There’s really no point, is there? College is like high school, only you get to walk outside between classes, which is always nice on those freezing winter days. In some ways, it’s like a prison that you pay for, but it’s ok because you can drink yourself into a stupor often enough to where accumulating large amounts of debt for maybe finding...
February 2012
1 post
Some Like it Stupid
Why do I still have a Facebook? It’s not for meeting new people, since if you add someone you haven’t hung out with in person already, you’re a “creeper.” It’s not for my friends’ witty status updates, since they only post to inform of me their daily itinerary. It’s not for memes because they originate on 4chan and they don’t pop up on Facebook...
January 2012
2 posts
Milky Velociraptor Butt Plugs
How does one find the motivation to change? That’s not hypothetical, either. I’d really like to know. I think most people have deluded themselves into thinking they’re on some constant stream of emotional and physical evolution, like a Pokémon with infinite forms. The reality is that most of us are gaining weight, drinking ourselves into early graves, and dying inside from...
December 2011
3 posts
If I'm Elected President
Herman Cain has dropped out of the 2012 presidential race, probably due to the fact that he was a joke of a candidate who made creepy rape faces in his ads. Now, I’ve been told that Newt Gingrich is the new Republican frontrunner in a race that involves a robot and a senile old creationist. Whoever wins the Republican bid will undoubtedly run against Obama. You know, the man who pledged who...
The Sexual Bucket List
I’ve never seen the film The Bucket List. As far as I’m concerned, Rob Reiner hasn’t directed a movie worth watching since 1989, and I had no interest in paying $10 to see two old men share the joys of erectile dysfunction and shooting their careers in the foot by acting in such schmaltzy crap. However, the core idea of the movie (the “bucket list,” if you will) is a...
November 2011
1 post
Still D.R.E.
Mike F: My computer's speakers are made by Altec Lansing, so I imagine they are actually premium to some degree.
Me: Dude, brah, should've got the HP Beats speakers. Dr. Dre literally cums in your ears every time you listen to music on those.
Mike F: You know, nobody knows more about Beats by Dr. Dre than I do.
Me: So you know I'm telling the truth.
Mike F: Yes.
October 2011
1 post
The Hitler Story
Sometimes memories just hit you out of nowhere. There’s no trigger for them to appear, but they show up at your brain’s front door uninvited with a suitcase and a baby, barging in and saying, “We really need to talk.” This happened to me yesterday. I remembered the time I learned about the Hitler salute.
“My god, you’re ugly.”
I remember watching Superman: The Animated Series...
September 2011
1 post
Grand Theft Polo
Very few people know this, but I’ve recently re-entered the world of working in retail. Now, I don’t want to say where exactly it is that I’m working, but I will say this: I bet William H. Macy loves shopping there! Get it? I’m talking about Macy’s. I can’t believe I had to explain that to you. I haven’t disclosed this information with many people because, the way I see it, a job is a job. Not a...
July 2011
1 post
Hazmat Removal
It may have taken a month and a half, but at least it’s done now.
Before:
After:
June 2011
5 posts
So, You've Graduated From High School
I was like you, once. I was approaching my 18th birthday, I had just just graduated high school, and I was on the cusp of adulthood. Soon, I would move on to college and reign over my peers as a god among men. Wrong. Nothing prepares you for the shock of entering college (a real one, not that DeVry Technical Institute bullshit). You go from being the coolest kid in your tiny high school to just...
“You look like you hit a speed bump on the way out of your mother’s vagina.”
– I said this to Dan at some point last Saturday.
1st Annual Radio Disney Day!
On June 15th, I did something unprecedented and tweeted as if I was a Radio Disney DJ for the entire day. From the hours of 8 AM to midnight, I dished on Disney “celebrities” and taught kids important lessons about their growing bodies. Therefore, it is with great pleasure that I have declared June 15 to be Radio Disney Day! Below, I’ve compiled all of my Radio Disney tweets from...
“It all came flooding back how I was the one she confided in, the one she...”
– Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Summer Movie Suggestions?
Summer is finally dawning its head upon us in upstate NY, and you know what that means: Temperatures that are unbearable if your outfit consists of anything more substantial than a Speedo, neighborhood youths running through the streets unattended, and lapping up the water from a bidet just to avoid passing out from heat stroke. I’m not a fan of any of those things, so I’ve decided to...
May 2011
3 posts
1 tag
April 2011
4 posts
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
“I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but...”
– Patrick Bateman, American Psycho
Blowing Smoke
It’s been roughly two months since my last post, and although part of me feels I shouldn’t point this giant gap out, another part of me wants you to know that I’m going out of my way to provide you with my opinions on the eve of this holiday. So, here’s my opinion that none of you asked for, but I’m going to shove down your throats anyways. We are but two hours away...
February 2011
20 posts
14 Days of Black People - Day 14
Watson
This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.
Just because I remembered to quote a famous poem by some dead person doesn’t mean this is going to be a well-written final entry in my oft-praised “14 Days of Black People” series. No, this series must end soon, as I’ll soon be retreating to my bomb shelter, and WiFi won’t pass through the...
14 Days of Black People - Day 13
Martin Lawrence
Today’s update is going to be short, because if I use less words, maybe the impact of the video below will be greater on you. Martin Lawrence rose up as a stand-up comedian and actor. He gets paid $10 million to make one movie. Ten. Million. Dollars. That is most likely more than you and I will make in our lifetimes combined. Lawrence’s newest film is “Big...
14 Days of Black People - Day 12
Will Smith
Today’s entry in “14 Days of Black People” is A-list celebrity Will Smith. Of course, Smith rose to fame as an actor alongside his friend and longtime producer DJ Jazzy Jeff. Many of us first remember Smith for his NBC sitcom, “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. In honor of that show, I have written today’s entry from the voice of Will Smith himself....
14 Days of Black People - Day 11
Samuel Jackson
Thank you for joining me on this fine day. I’m sure you’re probably wondering why the title of today’s post says “14 Days of Black People” instead of the previously-used “28 Days”. Well, I know it may be a bit late in the game, but I’ve decided to call an audible. 28 Days is simply way too long for me to commit to something. Do you...
500 Posts! →
Alright guys, we did it! And by “we”, I mean me, because I’m the only one who updates this tiny, dark corner of the web. I’d like to take this time to thank everyone who’s been there to support me. Uncle Phil, you were always there in the 90s to teach me important lessons about morality and how to be a better man. Tom Cruise, your complete decent into insanity has...
28 Days of Black People - Day 10
Stanley Hudson
If you’re an avid follower of my blog and/ or a member of my cult, you’ll know that Stanley was truly the first black person to ever be featured on these hallowed web pages. Why do I love Stanley so much? He’s the most hardworking and serious sales associate in Dunder-Mifflin, and I think it’s a miracle that he hasn’t gone on a shooting spree in the...
28 Days of Black People - Day 09
Black Spiderman
First, some facts from Wikipedia:
“From 1984 to 1988, Spider-Man wore a different costume than his original. Black with a white spider design, this new costume originated in the Marvel Super-Heroes Secret Wars limited series…. Parker comes across a machine that conjures him a uniform that responds to his thoughts, greatly enhances his powers, provides him with its...
Somebody Left an Angry Letter on My Car...
When I returned to my car after class today, I noticed that somebody had left a piece of paper underneath my windshield wiper. Concerned that the Brockport Parking Gestapo had ticketed me for some bullshit reason, I hastily read the letter, which I have posted below (note: I have fixed the spelling and punctuation). I would like to take an opportunity to respond to this letter as well. The letter...
28 Days of Black People - Day 08
Mighty Joe Jon: The Black Blond
Television: What is it? For many, it’s a way of life. I know you all watch TV because if you didn’t, you’d tell everybody all of the time. I can’t stand self-righteous nerds who insist on telling everybody that dropping cable was the best thing they’ve ever done. “Oh, I have SO much more time for gardening and masturbating to...
28 Days of Black People - Day 07
Neil deGrasse Tyson
If you think today’s update in my highly-respected and much-publicized series “28 Days of Black People” is going to be another hilarious gut-buster, then prepare for disappointment. First of all, I’ve never explicitly called this a comedy blog, so I don’t know why you expect every entry to be “funny”. I live with...
28 Days of Black People - Day 06
Wanda Sykes
You know what must be tough? Dealing with prejudice because you’re black. People will assume the worst about you without knowing anything about you except for the color of your skin. It’s appalling that such ignorance still permeates our society today. You know what else must be tough? Dealing with prejudice because you’re a woman. Women have had the right to vote...
28 Days of Black People - Day 05
Cleveland Brown
Today’s entry in my soon-to-be-Pulitzer-nominated series, “28 Days of Black People” is Cleveland Brown from TV’s “Family Guy” and “The Cleveland Show”. He’s a humble, polite, and dignified man, and is perhaps the most sane of Peter Griffin and friends.
You know what I don’t get, though? Why did they give Cleveland a...
28 Days of Black People - Day 04
Dennis Haysbert
Why is it that black guys have such cool sounding voices? The only white guy I can think of with a wonderful voice is Matt Berry, and he’s definitely not representative of the norm. Yet, with black guys, having a cool voice just comes along with being black (other things that go along with being black: Drinking orange soda and giving Tyler Perry enough money to continue...
Who wants to hear a funny story?
I headed to Dailey Hall computer lab before class today because I had a homework assignment that needed to be stapled, and the stapler in my house was empty. So, I took my iPod off and set it down on the table where two staplers were, in the middle of the lab. Unfortunately, both staplers were also out of staple. So, I walked across the room to a desk where there was a working stapler, put my...
28 Days of Black People - Day 03
Dave Chappelle: In Memoriam
I know that my first two entries in my “28 Days of Black People” series have been humorous, but allow me to take a more somber turn for the third entry. You see, not every black leader is still with us. It seems like the best die while in their prime. Malcolm X died in 1965, Dr. King in 1968, and Dave Chappelle in 2006.
Dave Chappelle was a living legend...
28 Days of Black People - Day 02
Skeeter Valentine
Who can forget all of the incredible events that transpired during the 1990s? Nelson Mandela was elected president of South Africa, the Gulf War Oil Spill devastated the Persian Gulf, and the Soviet Union was finally dissolved. Of course, I was just a child growing up when all of this occurred, so I didn’t give a shit about any of it. What I did care about, though, was...
28 Days of Black People - Day 01
Corbin Bleu
When I came up with the idea for “28 Days of Black People”, I wasn’t sure who I would write about first. The legendary Dr. King? Revolutionary Malcolm X? Intellectual leader W.E.B. Du Bois? However, when all was said and done, I figured I should start with a more recent revolutionary. That man was Corbin Bleu.
If you’re like me, a young 20-something who...
It's 28 Days of Black People!
If you’re a rational person who doesn’t take things for granted and instead likes to analyze the perplexing social situation our generation is in, you might wonder why America even has a “Black History Month”. The black population has been a part of America since the formation of the country. Surely black history is American history! Why confine it to a mere month? Why...
January 2011
2 posts
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-1-16) →
August Burns Red (4)
Alkaline Trio (2)
The Acacia Strain (2)
The Crystal Method (2)
Saul Williams (1)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
