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How does one find the motivation to change? That’s not hypothetical, either. I’d really like to know. I think most people have deluded themselves into thinking they’re on some constant stream of emotional and physical evolution, like a Pokémon with infinite forms. The reality is that most of us are gaining weight, drinking ourselves into early graves, and dying inside from dead-end jobs. Oh, and we’re closer to death than we were the moment before. Who says I’m a pessimist?

My personal realization that I needed to change came in waves. I’ve put on a few pounds, I feel distanced from some of my closer friends, and I don’t write as much as I used to. So, I’ve decided to begin MVBP: The Mike Vasquez Betterment Project. “But, Mike, isn’t this just some hackneyed new year’s resolution bullshit?” No. Everyone who’s anyone should know that my resolution was “Get more paid, get more laid.” This is a project with four simple rules:

1. Apologize to people I’ve been unfairly harsh to.
2. Distance myself from people who have a negative effect on my well-being.
3. Start hitting the gym regularly.
4. Write up those ideas that are swimming around in my brain.

As always, my inspiration is Jason Statham.

I didn’t write this up just to be a smug son of a gun, oh no. You see, I don’t think there’s a more powerful motivator than the threat of public humiliation. Now, if I’m being a dick to someone (as is my default state), you can remind me of this post. Won’t that make you feel good? Humbling me? Unless I don’t like you, then I’ll continue telling you to fuck off.

Herman Cain has dropped out of the 2012 presidential race, probably due to the fact that he was a joke of a candidate who made creepy rape faces in his ads. Now, I’ve been told that Newt Gingrich is the new Republican frontrunner in a race that involves a robot and a senile old creationist. Whoever wins the Republican bid will undoubtedly run against Obama. You know, the man who pledged who stop torture, abide by the Geneva Conventions, and roll back NSA wiretapping programs, then did none of those?

Well, it got me thinking: I should run for president. I mean, I’m not old enough and America would never elect an atheist, but I could still do a better job than these liars and hypocrites. My platform would emphasize strict fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. I have a plan to save the government $1.2 trillion by the year 2025. I almost have a college degree from a real college. My qualifications are astounding. I also have some fresh proposals that would really help put this nation back on track: 

• Every chain restaurant within a 15 mile radius of the White House will be converted to a Hooters so I don’t have to drive far to have delicious chicken wings served by scantily clad women.
• As a reward to our most prosperous citizens for putting money back into the economy, everyone in the top tax bracket will receive a free Lexus RX sport utility vehicle during their “December to Remember” sales event. These SUVs will be paid for by the taxes of lower wage earners. This gives poor people something to aspire to.
  
  
• My birthday, September 7th, will become a national holiday. Macy’s will hold a parade in NYC where every float is of me in different positions and outfits.
• In lieu of universal health care, American citizens will receive one bottle of aspirin a year and a doctor’s note that says, “Deal with it.”
• Our national anthem will now be “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO.

As you can see, if I became president, I wouldn’t just be smearing some Olay anti-aging serum on old Lady Liberty’s face. I would give her a face lift, inject collagen into her ass, and get her into the 21st century. Thank you, and Xenu bless America.

I’ve never seen the film The Bucket List. As far as I’m concerned, Rob Reiner hasn’t directed a movie worth watching since 1989, and I had no interest in paying $10 to see two old men share the joys of erectile dysfunction and shooting their careers in the foot by acting in such schmaltzy crap. However, the core idea of the movie (the “bucket list,” if you will) is a pretty great idea. Our time on this Earth is limited, and making a list of things to do before we die is a great way to expand your horizons. This is where I come in.

In the movie, I’ve been told that the stars of the film climb the Pyramids, drive a Shelby Mustang, and fly over the North Pole. If you’re a minimum wage bitch like me or just one of our nation’s many unemployed, you’ll probably never be able to afford to do any of these things. Save that shit for the 1%. Instead, join me in a trend I just started: The Sexual Bucket List.

Like this, but with more sex.

I’m not the first person to come up with this idea, but there’s a difference between whoring it up with a T.A. (fun sidebar: I know a girl who married her T.A.. I wonder if she got an ‘A’ in his class) and making a list that’s all about your craziest fantasies. The point of such a list is not to come up with situations you’ll be able to brag about later. It’s about doing things you never thought you’d do… until you thought of them for this list. For example, here are some items for my list:

• Have a FFM threesome. Having a female-female-male threesome (or a “Mike sandwich” as I like to call it) is basically the most decadent sexual act possible. I mean, there’s literally more vagina than I could fill at once. It’s like ordering a large drink from Wendy’s even though you know you’re only thirsty enough for a medium.
• Bang a coworker. They say it’s not smart to “shit where you eat,” but I say as long as you wash your hands thoroughly, you probably won’t get diarrhea.
• Live through Season 2 Episode 14 of The Flintstones. In the episode “Fred Strikes Out,” Fred has to be in two places at once: A bowling tournament and a date with his wife. Both of those sound boring as Hell, but I like the idea of living a double life. I want to be in a relationship with two women at once, mostly just to see if I can pull it off. It’s like the best con ever, and if one of them leaves me, I’ll always have another lady to fall back on. Now that’s smart.
• Damn Dirty Apes. Depending on your vantage point, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool reflects either the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, or the sky. Wouldn’t it be crazy if two people dressed as apes from Planet of the Apes started doing it right in the middle of that pool? With an audio clip of Charlton Heston yelling in the background? That would spice up any 8th grade field trip.
• Occupy Wall Street. The Occupy Wall Street movement is the kind of movement any rational citizen wants to support, until they realize that participation would involve sleeping in a tent next to thousands of unwashed hippies. But, if I know gross hippies (and I like to pretend that I do), it’s that they’re all about free love and the spread of chlamydia. My plan is simple: Start an orgy among the members of the OWS movement. I wouldn’t join in, but I’d be the ringleader. Imagine it: Thousands of sweaty, writhing bodies in the middle of NYC. Police throwing tear gas grenades into the crowds. Complete chaos. And I’d be above it all, laughing maniacally.

Now you’re getting it.

As you can see, your Sexual Bucket List is nothing to be proud of. Quite the contrary. It should be a long, disturbing list which plunges into the darkest fathoms of your psyche. Once you’ve completed every item on your list, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. You’ll also probably need therapy. Or at least an HIV test.